March 27, 2025

When I had the biopsy done, they told me the results wouldn't be available for about 3-5 days. Another hurry up and wait game. I just continued to pray and ask the Lord for his comfort. There's confidence in knowing there's nothing He can't handle. 

Thursday, March 27, 2025. The day I found out I have cancer. 

I was sitting at my desk at work. It was super early as Marsha and I are at work before dawn, literally. Typically we are there by 6am. So anyway, as I'm sitting there working, something crawled into my head and told me to pull up my MyChart and see if test results were posted. Telling myself it's only been 2 days and I shouldn't expect to see anything new, then bam. The results were there. I had to open the report and read the outcome. There it was. Triple negative, invasive, poorly-differentiated ductal carcinoma in my right breast. I will add that my first thought was to say a thank you to God for the lymph node biopsy being negative. 

Needless to say, tears flowed. I knew in my gut what the outcome would be, but actually seeing it in print, gut wrenching. I got up and went to Marsha's office, and I think she knew by my demeanor but I did manage to spit out the words. Crying continued. Once I gained some composure, Marsha and I agreed that I would take the rest of the day and go home. 

As I get into my truck and get ready to leave for home, the sobbing started. Next thing I knew my truck door was opening and my nephew, Christian, was hugging me. (he works with me) He knew I was having the biopsy done so I'm sure he made assumptions as to why I was sitting in my truck sobbing. He asked if I was ok to drive once I calmed down some.... I try not to cry or show weakness in front of my kids. They know I'm human, but I'm the mom.. gotta stay strong. So he goes on into the building and I drive myself on home. Funny thing is that while a cancer diagnosis isn't anything anyone wants, the only thing I could do thru tears on my drive home was yell praises to God for my lymph node result being benign. 

I pull in to my driveway, go into the house, walk passed all our dogs (7 labs for those who are unaware) and straight upstairs. Nathan was on a work call (he works from home). I don't say a word, just undress, turn on the shower and sit my ass in the tub with the shower running. Time for my pity party.

I sat in the tub crying with the shower running on me for a good 30 minutes. Nathan had gotten off his call and come into the bathroom, asked the questions, talked to me, reassured me we'll do this together.... he was compassionate and caring. He did ask if I'd be alright while he took another work call. I was as fine as I could be. There wasn't anything he could do in that moment. I just needed to sit and cry. (I did actually stand up and take a real "wash me" shower before getting out.) 

Once I'd regained my composure and gotten dressed, he and I discussed the pathology report. I explained what various things meant. I reached out to my cousin Adina (she's an oncology nurse) and gave her the test results and allowed her to further explain things. She also recommended seeking a second opinion from an NCI (National Cancer Institute) since they study and look at cancers all day, every day. Since she had previously worked at VCU during her traveling contract days and knew how the facility worked and had good things to say about the staff, we chose to seek their advice as well. Before I go into that any further, I'm going to back up some. 

After speaking with Adina, Nathan proceeded to make who knows how many phone calls trying to get my doctor or nurse on the phone to go over the test results and ask questions. Keep in mind it is still relatively early in the world of office hours so those folks are still trying to get in the door, catch up on what's gone on since they left the day before, etc. Needless to say, he wasn't getting the folks he wanted on the phone when he wanted them. Messages to have someone call him back, etc. At one point, he had 2 different offices on the phone at once on a merged call so they could figure out who he needed to be directed to in order to get answers. God bless him. I was literally in a fog while he was doing all that. Like I was watching a tv show or something. 

He was able to finally get the clinic doctor on the phone as she was just getting in and reading the results herself for the first time. Basically, we knew before she did. Diagnosis confirmed. 

Kira has breast cancer.

In the moments that followed, I can recall Nathan asking a bunch of questions and listening to the doctor speak. Even though physically I was sitting right there listening to all that was being said, mentally I checked out. I don't know where my brain was. I remember responding with my own commentary but I think because I knew the "rest of the story" at that point, my brain took a walk without me. 

I don't really recall what happened next. I think there may have been another call or texts to my cousin.... maybe not... I was in Kira land. I do know that I decided I was done dealing with that for the time being and pulled out my laptop and proceeded to work while sitting on the bed. Take my mind off reality for a bit. 

Nathan attempted to do some work next to me at his desk, but I do remember him stepping outside and making a phone call. With his job, he's always on the phone so I paid it no mind, until I heard him say my name and attempt to spell my last name. (he handles the math while I handle spelling...lol) As he came back into the room I just started spelling it for him. He remained in the room with me until the end of the call. It was then that he told me he was getting me set up at VCU for them to get appointments scheduled for me. He initially thought he could not be heard outside, but our windows may as well be made of screen when it comes to keeping sound out. Good thing we live in the country with no "city sounds" to worry about. I'm glad he was in "go-mode" at that point so appointments wouldn't be too far out. I was not in that frame of mind. Thankful for him. 

I did go into the office Friday morning since my boss, Joel, was scheduled to be in. I didn't want to wait on informing him of what was forthcoming. Marsha helped me tell him and my other coworker, Brandon. Both guys were very supportive, told me they would help in any way possible, etc. They even agreed it would be best to get me an actual company laptop to work remotely from home when needed during the next stages of this diagnosis. And believe me when I say this... they were not in the least bit pushing me or worried about me performing my job. It was 100% me reassuring THEM that I would be diligent and work from home, the road, doctor offices, where ever I was. My job is important to me. I work for a good company and want to ensure they know I value them as much as they value me. I did end up leaving shortly after that conversation because my brain went to shit again. 

At that point, there wasn't anything further to do but wait for appointments to be made. Then go to appointments. And work. Work keeps the mind from wandering... and continue to pray for understanding and comfort.