Kira's Stupid Breast Cancer

Thought I would check in with an update from this week's treatment. Reminder that this was a 25% reduction and no follow-up shot. I'll try to be brief. This round was definitely not as bad as the first round... but still no walk in the park. Treatment was Monday, today is Friday. I've worked from home all week for one reason or another. Monday night/Tues morning was sleep deprived due to intense hot flashes... I mean sweating...my eye mask was wet from sweat. Makes for a dismal night of trying to sleep. Needless to say, Tuesday I was tired and had a headache.  They prescribed me a take-at-home nausea preventative that they would normally give in my IV before treatment, but since it can cause drowsiness and dizziness, they didn't want to risk it with me having to drive home. So, I picked it up and took it Tuesday night, before bed as directed.... As tired as I already was from little sleep the night before, I was in bed before 8 and asleep not long after. Can't reall...

I know, I know... I said no more treatments... but I also told my VCU oncologist I would follow her recommendations. She asked if I'd be willing to do a reduced dosage of the new cocktail, minus the shot. The team is pretty confident that the shot (Neulasta) is what caused me to feel the intense pain I was in (and of course no one giving me directions on how I could care for myself during that treatment). I told her I would do it, but know I wasn't happy about it....  I had to go to the Massy Center at Stony Point (where I typically go for VCU appts) for labs and my office visit. This time is was with the PA Sarah. She was pretty cool. I liked her. This visit didn't take very long, just kinda routine since I have nothing new going on. The down side is that their pharmacy is undergoing renovations so I had to go downtown for the actual treatment. We remember how much I LOVE downtown Richmond, right..... 😣 It only took me about 25 minutes with traffic to get to the North Hos...

I've been plugged into KLOVE (it's a radio station, for those who aren't familiar). I listen all day at work and it's #1 on my truck radio... the house radio is also set on the local station for KLOVE. I keep trying to drown out the negative thoughts with reminders of God's love. The devil is an asshole... there I said it. I know he's behind the negativity in my head... and I'm certain that all the chemo drugs jacked up my emotions and stuff and threw my chemical balance off... My vulnerability made it easy for the devil to creep in. The mind is a weird thing if you think about it... For example, I KNOW the negative thoughts and feelings are the devil, but I have FELT the negativity was true... Hope that makes sense...  I can listen to the same songs over time but it's funny how there are moments that specific songs you've heard before suddenly stick out and feel more relevant. There are a few songs that have really stuck out for me lately and felt l...

 I hate cancer. Then again, maybe it's not the cancer but the treatments. Then again, maybe the treatments softened the exterior to allow feelings to be felt. Maybe the feelings and emotions have been there all along just buried. I wish I had never started treatments and wish I'd just let the cancer do it's thing. Then maybe I wouldn't be the burden and "debbie downer" in everyone's life.  Maybe I should just cancel my surgery and see what happens. If the cancer returns, then maybe that's my time and let it do it's thing. No, I'm not gonna go "off myself" but I'd be lying if I didn't say that there are many times I feel, truly feel, like people would be better off if something like a car accident took me out or if this cancer shit just took over. If I just wasn't around anymore.... I've never really NEEDED anyone's validation to feel like I was worth a crap but anymore, I just feel like I do and that I need a littl...