Kira's Stupid Breast Cancer

Yes, I'm writing on Christmas Day... It's hard this year without the normal traditions and it really feeling like just another day.  I've tried really hard this year to be in the spirit... I did some baking, shopping and even dressed in festive attire throughout the month. Unfortunately, the baking was by myself, shopping was either online or around town by myself. Christian, Sam and Ashli came over last evening and we did Christmas with them since this is their first Christmas in their new home. Non-traditional supper - spaghetti. Other than them opening gifts, it really didn't feel like Christmas, just a night of hanging out with them. I'm grateful for that time, don't get me wrong, just didn't feel Christmas-y.  Our other kids are not local to us and are spending the holiday with other family. I know they're all grown and have other families, it's just hard... and without my folks, especially my mom, as she was the one who "did up" Chris...

 Another trip to VCU... My appointment for the 17th was for physical therapy evaluation and another fill. Luckily I didn't need to keep the fill appointment because they completed my fills at the last appointment. The downside was that there wasn't an opening on Thursday for PT, so I got a room at a nearby hotel. My PT appointment was at 11 so I didn't even have to get up in the middle of the night to drive. 😁 They only have 2 therapists that specialize in the specific rehab I need (mastectomy patients). The therapist was nice. We went over the exercise guide and determined it really needed to be re-written as it was geared more for shoulder rehab. Reason being was that there were exercises listed that physically I couldn't do because of the expanders and not being able to lay flat. No big deal tho, together we came up with work-arounds so I could still achieve the movements. From where I've been doing "stuff" on my own at home, I'd like to think it s...

 Today I had a telephone visit with the VCU Radiation Oncologist. He went over my pathology report again just so that I would understand what he was about to say. Due to there still being a 5 mm mass left at the time of surgery and the fact that my Rotter's Nodes were highlighted on the first MRI, he recommends that I do radiation. The treatment would be 5 days a week for 5 weeks. The purpose being to target any potential microscopic cancer cells that may be left floating around.... Do they know if there are any microscopic cancer cells left? No. Do they know if there aren't any left? No. This would be a "just in case" treatment.  There would be no guarantees that the cancer would not return even with radiation treatments. Radiation comes with it's own share of side effects. He said that my fills would need to be undone for radiation to take place. Radiation therapy would also mean putting off the post-op "keep it from coming back" chemo meds as well as ...

Recovery has been interesting. Can't lift more than 5 pounds, can't reach up very high, have to sleep on a wedge pillow or an incline, on my back, have to wear the surgical bra or sports bra constantly.....  I started showering by myself a few weeks back and even though I can't raise my arms very high, I figured out that I can tilt my head to each side and wash my hair that way. That made a world of difference!! Miss Independent couldn't bathe herself and now can! Big moral booster!  I've even gotten better about dressing myself - the bottom half wasn't an issue but putting on shirts was a challenge unless it was a button-up. We're into the colder temps now so that means long sleeve shirts and sweatshirts.... at this point about half of the time I need help.  I ordered some front clasping bras so that I can change up my wardrobe some - the surgical one came up very high on my chest and, well, was pepto pink.... easily seen thru lighter colored tops.  I'v...

I've been going to VCU weekly to visit the plastic surgery office to have the tissue expanders filled. There's nothing fantastic about these appointments, but the needle still hurts. These appointments are pretty quick. They have said the incisions are still healing well. This post-surgical bra is getting really annoying. It's riding up, rubbing one of my drain tube spots and irritating my underarms because it won't stay down. I am going to see if I can find a front closing sports bra at Walmart at some point. I'm afraid to order one online because of the sizing and support needed. I will say the day after I get my fills, my chest is quite tender. I don't remember growing boobs the first time around feeling like this. 😛 They also prescribed me a muscle relaxer to try and help with my back pain. Since having rods and pins put in my back when I was a teen, I can't sleep comfortably on my back. Since I had the mastectomy, the only position I can "lay...

Pathology test results came in today.... I got the test results via MyChart. The problem... aside from the Lymph Node test results, I couldn't understand what the results were telling me. The lymph nodes that checked showed no cancer cells. I could not tell what the biopsy results were telling me for the actual breasts. A medical report that I couldn't understand... That drove me nuts.... Then waiting for the Doctor to call to go over the results..... I sent a message to the team via MyChart, just simply stating that I had gotten the results and was awaiting the Doctor's call. Sorta nudging them if you will. About 3:30ish, I called the office to see if I could speak to someone regarding the results. Normally I would have at least waited until the next day for the Doctor to call because I know they are busy with other patients throughout the day, but this was Friday... It would have killed me to wait until Monday to find out the results. Dr. Louie called around 6:15pm. I had...

2 weeks post-op... I've had 2 post-op appointments with my VCU surgeons.  The first was on the 28th, with the plastic surgeon's team. They said things were healing well and removed the water proof dressings, changed some other dressings and took updated pictures. Playboy is most definitely out of the question for me! Seriously, they are documenting the surgical area and it's progress. No face shots or anything. Now that the waterproof dressings are gone, I've got to be extra cautious when showering, and have to use the wipes they gave me for my front. Not because I can't get them wet, but they don't want well water running over the incisions. They are afraid of bacteria. We have mountain well water... much less of an issue that on the east coast, but I'm following orders. The second was yesterday the 4th. First I saw the plastic surgeon's team. Again, updated pictures of the surgical area, removed more dressings and said that the healing is going well. T...

Wednesday evening....First night home from surgery....needless to say the dogs were quite happy to see Nathan and I when we got home. He got them all into the garage so I could get into the house without being bulldozed. I made my way to the kitchen table and sat down. Our kitchen table is bar height, so the dogs can't jump up and cause issues. We thought this would be the best way for them to greet me. It worked out just fine. We chatted with Hannah, made sure things were ok. He got the truck unloaded, took my stuff upstairs and we got my bed pillow set up. I maneuvered the stairs without an issue, I just took it slow and used the handrails. The bed pillow was definitely a good purchase. Highly Recommend.  Bed Wedge Pillow We decided Dominos would be the best option for supper since we had no way of planning ahead of time. It was quite yummy. Nathan was running around trying to get the critters fed, pick up our food, take his phone calls, etc. I ate my supper and headed up to the ...

October 20, 2025 is the date of surgery. I have to arrive by 8am. Reminder that my surgery and all treatment is being handled by the team at VCU, which is a 3 hour drive from where I live. My "niece", Hannah (Tracey's daughter), came up Sunday to "critter sit" for us while we were away. God bless her is all I can say.  4am Monday morning Nathan and I get ready to head to Richmond. Unfortunately emotions were raging the weekend before and he and I were not exactly getting along. The drive to VCU was quiet. I don't know what was going thru his mind on the way there, but mine was all over the place. I couldn't help but ask the "why me" type of questions in my head... what'd I do to deserve this.... and yes, tears were streaming most of the ride. Not sobbing, but quietly streaming. Fear of surgery not going well, something bad happening, fear they'll find more cancer, the fact that I'm gonna look even uglier... the inability to take car...

Have I mentioned that I love the drive to Richmond? Honestly, it's not really a bad drive.. my knee just hates it. Pretty sure Nathan does too. My appointments tend to be first thing in the morning since they know how far I drive. That way I'm home before supper time. That means 3-3:30am wake up times to hit the road by 4-4:30am at the latest. It's get up, get dressed, start the coffee, let the dogs out, let the dogs back in, feed the dogs, make my cup of coffee, fill my water jug, pack a bag of snacks..... it's a process so VCU days tend to be somewhat stressful but mostly exhausting. I'll say this... without being able to rely on my GPS to get there and back, I've gone back to the old days of picking out landmarks and such to learn the way there and back. "At the gas station, make a left. When you pass the antique looking car on the right, take the next right." I have found it to be kinda amusing at this point.  So, today was my pre-op appointment wi...

 Pre-op Appt #1 Today Nathan and I traveled to VCU to meet with my breast surgeon to go over my upcoming surgery.  Dr. Louie explained the procedure, how long I'd be there, etc. I did review my notes and books the night before and had a list of questions prepared for this visit. Here are some things I asked: Do I need to self donate blood ahead of time?       Answer was No. There shouldn't be that much blood loss. How many days in the hospital after surgery?         Answer was 1, 2 if there were issues with bleeding, hematomas or anything like that.  Approximately how long will it take Pathology to determine if there's need for further treatment?     Answer was typically 2-3 weeks. Approximately how long will the drain tubes be in?     Answer was 2 weeks on average, depending on the volume of drainage. How long is the typical recovery time? Is working from home an option?     Answer was 4-6 weeks, but t...

Infusion day. Let's back up a little. The infusion on the 15th of September was a partial dose.. 25% reduction of the new chemo cocktail without the follow up Neulasta shot. I did not experience the "I wanna die" reaction, but for a week following there were body aches and pains... not nearly as bad as before but still not nice. I also had some skin rashes appear over the last couple of months. In July, my PCP looked at one, prescribed me a cream for it and after a couple of weeks without improvement, she referred me to a dermatologist. I'd visited the dermatologist and she prescribed a stronger ointment/cream to put on. That worked and got rid of them, but when I had the infusion on the 15th, they came back. My assumption is they are from the chemo.  I also started seeing a counselor. Not that I'm having any major issues like suicidal thoughts or anything like that, but these drugs are certainly bringing to the surface some things I need to address, the guilt ove...

Thought I would check in with an update from this week's treatment. Reminder that this was a 25% reduction and no follow-up shot. I'll try to be brief. This round was definitely not as bad as the first round... but still no walk in the park. Treatment was Monday, today is Friday. I've worked from home all week for one reason or another. Monday night/Tues morning was sleep deprived due to intense hot flashes... I mean sweating...my eye mask was wet from sweat. Makes for a dismal night of trying to sleep. Needless to say, Tuesday I was tired and had a headache.  They prescribed me a take-at-home nausea preventative that they would normally give in my IV before treatment, but since it can cause drowsiness and dizziness, they didn't want to risk it with me having to drive home. So, I picked it up and took it Tuesday night, before bed as directed.... As tired as I already was from little sleep the night before, I was in bed before 8 and asleep not long after. Can't reall...

I know, I know... I said no more treatments... but I also told my VCU oncologist I would follow her recommendations. She asked if I'd be willing to do a reduced dosage of the new cocktail, minus the shot. The team is pretty confident that the shot (Neulasta) is what caused me to feel the intense pain I was in (and of course no one giving me directions on how I could care for myself during that treatment). I told her I would do it, but know I wasn't happy about it....  I had to go to the Massy Center at Stony Point (where I typically go for VCU appts) for labs and my office visit. This time is was with the PA Sarah. She was pretty cool. I liked her. This visit didn't take very long, just kinda routine since I have nothing new going on. The down side is that their pharmacy is undergoing renovations so I had to go downtown for the actual treatment. We remember how much I LOVE downtown Richmond, right..... 😣 It only took me about 25 minutes with traffic to get to the North Hos...

I've been plugged into KLOVE (it's a radio station, for those who aren't familiar). I listen all day at work and it's #1 on my truck radio... the house radio is also set on the local station for KLOVE. I keep trying to drown out the negative thoughts with reminders of God's love. The devil is an asshole... there I said it. I know he's behind the negativity in my head... and I'm certain that all the chemo drugs jacked up my emotions and stuff and threw my chemical balance off... My vulnerability made it easy for the devil to creep in. The mind is a weird thing if you think about it... For example, I KNOW the negative thoughts and feelings are the devil, but I have FELT the negativity was true... Hope that makes sense...  I can listen to the same songs over time but it's funny how there are moments that specific songs you've heard before suddenly stick out and feel more relevant. There are a few songs that have really stuck out for me lately and felt l...

 I hate cancer. Then again, maybe it's not the cancer but the treatments. Then again, maybe the treatments softened the exterior to allow feelings to be felt. Maybe the feelings and emotions have been there all along just buried. I wish I had never started treatments and wish I'd just let the cancer do it's thing. Then maybe I wouldn't be the burden and "debbie downer" in everyone's life.  Maybe I should just cancel my surgery and see what happens. If the cancer returns, then maybe that's my time and let it do it's thing. No, I'm not gonna go "off myself" but I'd be lying if I didn't say that there are many times I feel, truly feel, like people would be better off if something like a car accident took me out or if this cancer shit just took over. If I just wasn't around anymore.... I've never really NEEDED anyone's validation to feel like I was worth a crap but anymore, I just feel like I do and that I need a littl...

Starting to feel more like myself these days... Been in LOTS of prayer asking Him to help me out of this "funk"... asking Him to help get the devil out of my head. Cried tears at the alter at church, begging for His help because I know it's the devil making me feel this way and I can't beat him on my own.  So, anyway, had to make a trip up to VCU as my new oncologist wanted me to have an immunotherapy infusion since my surgery isn't until October. No problem. Learned my way to a new area of the Massy Center at Stony Point. I don't know that I will ever get over how nice and compassionate all the staff there is. Granted, they may go behind closed doors and talk crap, who knows, but they have a fantastic ability with dealing with the public... always kind, caring and helpful. They seem to really care.  This was my first treatment at VCU so I was in uncharted territory. First I had to get lab work done. Unlike the facility in Roanoke (they pricked my finger for l...