Wednesday evening....First night home from surgery....needless to say the dogs were quite happy to see Nathan and I when we got home. He got them all into the garage so I could get into the house without being bulldozed. I made my way to the kitchen table and sat down. Our kitchen table is bar height, so the dogs can't jump up and cause issues. We thought this would be the best way for them to greet me. It worked out just fine. We chatted with Hannah, made sure things were ok. He got the truck unloaded, took my stuff upstairs and we got my bed pillow set up. I maneuvered the stairs without an issue, I just took it slow and used the handrails. The bed pillow was definitely a good purchase. Highly Recommend. Bed Wedge Pillow
We decided Dominos would be the best option for supper since we had no way of planning ahead of time. It was quite yummy. Nathan was running around trying to get the critters fed, pick up our food, take his phone calls, etc. I ate my supper and headed up to the bedroom.
As I was sitting on the bed, getting my bed pillow adjusted right, meds figured out and stuff, I couldn't help but start feeling the emotions take over. Probably because there wasn't anything "to do" to keep me from thinking about what has actually happened. Here I am, sitting on the bed, trying to just relax and rest, but when I look up, directly across from the bed is the dresser with the mirror on it, so all I see is my reflection.
The reflection of a hairless, boobless weirdo looking back at me. The thoughts of my woman-hood being taken from me.... the reflection staring back at me was too much. The "why me" feelings all came back.
Nathan made his way up to check on me and saw the tears running down my cheeks. I don't normally express my feelings, and this is a fault I am aware of, but he asked me so gently to tell him what was wrong because he couldn't react accordingly if he didn't know what was wrong. Then the emotions came out, tears included. I asked him to cover the mirror so I couldn't see my reflection because of how it made me feel... that it made me feel like an ugly freak. All the emotions came out. He told me he disagreed and said that he still sees me as beautiful, but he did pull out a sheet and covered the mirror for me.
The emotional rollercoaster is tough, especially for someone who typically keeps emotions inside and just pulls up her big girl panties and deals with what ever life throws her way... These emotions are on a whole different level that no one can really prepare you for. I thought I would be strong enough to deal with all this BS.. Thankfully I have God on my side. He's heard my prayers, my struggles and has thus given me the right people I need in my life and given me the strength needed to keep going.
Thursday has been spent updating my blog. I feel less emotional today. However, that mirror is still covered so as I type, I'm not looking at that reflection.
The pain is eh today... I have a high tolerance for pain, so for me, what I'm feeling is just sore. It kinda feels like someone is sticking their thumb into my armpit. That's where the lymph nodes were removed. My chest just kinda aches, it's not really painful. I have been following the doctor's orders and taking the pain meds accordingly (alternating Tylenol with Mortin). I have not had to hit the oxycodone that was prescribed "just in case the pain got too bad". I honestly doubt I'll need that. I've made several trips up and down the stairs today. Coffee, then breakfast, then "fat kid treats", then water refill, a few others trips to talk to Hannah or whatever. They told me to keep moving but listen to my body and rest too so that's what I'm trying to do. Keep moving without over-doing it. I plan to get a shower tonight with Nathan's help.
Then when one of your "adopted" moms calls to check on you... and because she is truly a second mom, I allowed myself to get emotional with her and as always, she comforted me just like my own mom would have if she were here. And the phone call came just when it was needed. Apparently I needed an emotional release.
Then you get reminded you have wonderful neighbors who get you and they send over home cooked food, desert and a sunflower. Perfect added touch. I put the sunflower into water and set it on my dresser so I can see it all the time.
Nathan seems to be doing better today since we are home... seems a bit less strung out. Neither of us are "city folks" so I'm sure the past few days have taken a toll on him. Continue to pray for him. Taking care of all the things around here by yourself is tough.. I know first hand. Thankfully Hannah is here with us until tomorrow evening. I'm telling y'all, that girl has been a huge help and a true blessing to us.
Hopefully the night goes well and I sleep good again.
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