September 5, 2025 - Emotional Ramblings

 I hate cancer. Then again, maybe it's not the cancer but the treatments. Then again, maybe the treatments softened the exterior to allow feelings to be felt. Maybe the feelings and emotions have been there all along just buried. I wish I had never started treatments and wish I'd just let the cancer do it's thing. Then maybe I wouldn't be the burden and "debbie downer" in everyone's life. 

Maybe I should just cancel my surgery and see what happens. If the cancer returns, then maybe that's my time and let it do it's thing. No, I'm not gonna go "off myself" but I'd be lying if I didn't say that there are many times I feel, truly feel, like people would be better off if something like a car accident took me out or if this cancer shit just took over. If I just wasn't around anymore....

I've never really NEEDED anyone's validation to feel like I was worth a crap but anymore, I just feel like I do and that I need a little extra. Extra attention, not really attention. Maybe that's the wrong word. I need to feel like I'm loved. Like I'm wanted. Like people really want me around. Not just lip service but show me. Make me feel it. I guess that's too much to ask for because it makes others do extra. A random hug would be nice. Something that expresses caring. A compliment, not just when I'm all dolled up with makeup and wigs. When I look in the mirror and a troll is staring back at me, well, that doesn't do anything to cause positive self talk, that's for sure. Then of course the Keytruda jacked up my thyroid plus chemo bloating, so weight gain has happened and that doesn't help. Just because people don't comment on the current appearance doesn't mean they aren't thinking the same things I am.... a friend that went thru all this said she felt like Homer Simpson and I fully relate. A fat, bald, hairless freak. I even had someone call me Sir the other day... Thanks lady.

I know it's emotionally draining on others to have to put out the extra effort just to make me feel better about myself, I get it. I've been on that end, but I've done it to help the other person get thru the valleys. I'm stuck in the valley and feel like there's no one on the top extending a helping hand. I feel alone. I feel like a burden. I feel like no one wants me around. I feel like no one wants to hang out. 

I literally run on robot mode every day... get up, let dogs out, feed dogs, go to work, come home, feed livestock, collect eggs, straighten up the house, drown in all the negative self talk in my head, feed the dogs, feed the deer, put livestock to bed, go to bed. Repeat. I feel like no one wants to hear how I feel. I feel like no one wants to actually listen and try to understand that this isn't me. I'm not Kira anymore. I hope she'll come back for the sake of everyone in my life, but who knows. I just know that every single day I just wanna crawl in a hole and cry. At the same time, I'm tired of crying. Not that it matters, I'm not supposed to be emotionally jacked up, just "be strong and kick cancer's ass". 

I just want to feel important to someone. I want to feel like I matter. I don't want to keep feeling like everyone I care about will just get tired of "this Kira" and say to hell with it and walk away because I've become too much effort. I've always been the strong one, not just for myself but for everyone else. Keep my feelings to myself. They don't matter, what matters is the other person. Can't ask for help because then I'm an imposition, bothering someone else with whatever I'm trying to do. 

I'm not sure what hurts more, no one seeming to care about me and my feelings or continuing to try to explain it and being met with being told I'm wrong, being overdramatic or selfish, and totally being misunderstood. I've got so many emotions inside and no way to get them out. I do my best to hold it all together and try to put a smile on my face and keep showing up but I'm starting to fail at doing that. I'm exhausted from showing up daily and pretending I'm perfectly fine when there's a physical and emotional war raging inside me.

Sometimes I feel like an "extra" in people's lives. Not important, just there. Not someone that's really wanted or needed. I feel like no one notices my silence or my absence. 

Thinking tonight will be a night of blasting KLOVE on the radio.... Gotta get my head outta this state.