July 18, 2025

This was a week off from treatment, but still had Dr appts this week. Nothing major to report from that. 

I did ask my PCP, Dr. Sargent, about an itchy spot that I have on my leg. It's been there for a few weeks now but getting a little larger. I've used hydrocortisone cream and calamine lotion and neither seem to have been helping much. She prescribed me some steroid ointment to put on it. I can't really tell if it's helping or not. We'll see. She told me to let her know in 10 days how it's doing. She did say it appears stress related. Makes sense. Between the chemo stressing my body, the stress of making the ranch look less like a farm for the wedding, the wedding itself, work... yea, there's been stress. 

As for any "side effects", I don't know if it's related to the chemo or what, but just about daily, by the end of the day, my neck and shoulders ache. I kinda describe it as my head is just too heavy for my neck to support it. Laying down helps. Tylenol does not. That's the only pain reliever I've been authorized to take. Tylenol is only good for hangovers. Nothing else, at least that's my opinion. Warm compress doesn't help. Cool compress doesn't help. Showers don't help. Rubbing my neck and shoulders doesn't help. It sucks. 

Hot flashes... Menopause? Chemo? A combination? Who the hell knows but this also sucks. I can literally be sitting still, then all of a sudden, bam. Instant sweat rolling. Morning, afternoon, evening, doesn't matter the time of day. It's getting particularly irritating as it's affecting my sleep. I sleep with the ceiling fan on, the tower fan on, bamboo cooling sheets.. I start off covered up, then a leg out of the covers, then no covers, then I get cold and grab the sheet, then the blanket, then flip the pillow, rinse and repeat. I think I nap somewhere in between the rotisserie of the hot/cold cycle. I'm tired. 

I know I'm not tolerating the outdoor heat like I used to. I used to work the ranch in overalls, a tank top and my boots. Now I can barely walk outside without bursting into a sweaty mess. I literally come home from work and immediately change into a sundress (aka ranch moo-moo) and do farm chores. I look like I just got out of the shower when I'm done, ringing with sweat. I feel like I just can't function outside anymore. Hell, even in the house with the AC on, sweeping the floor I'm sweating. 

My mood... Outwardly perfectly normal most days. Inwardly, I feel like a fat, bloated, bald, ugly cow. I look in the mirror and I see tired, hooded eyes, places where my eyebrows used to be (haven't lost them completely yet but they're minimal), my hair is still thinning and there isn't much left, when my thyroid tanked a couple weeks ago, it caused me to put on almost 10 pounds... I'm often asking myself what did I do to deserve going thru all this shit. Then I think of my youth and since I wasn't the best version of myself that I should have been, I must deserve what I'm goin thru. Then thoughts of "why do I bother fighting" run thru my head.  I feel like all I do is eat, drink and pee. And I'm so tired of eating protein bars, drinking protein shakes, yogurt and fruits all the time.. I'm tired of babysitting my lab work and adjusting my foods accordingly. 

On a positive, my showers are only like 5 minutes long now since I have no hair to wash and nothing to shave anymore. I call em "5 minute dude showers". I don't have hair to "do" anymore so that's a non-issue too. I just pick a wig and roll out. Getting ready to go anywhere is literally less than 15 minutes unless I decide to "girl it up" and put on my war paint and stuff. 

I feel like I'm forgetting things more often too... not major things but simple things I tell myself that I need to remember, then something distracts me and I forget. I don't know if I'm just trying to handle too much or what... makes me feel like a failure. 

Failure. That's a good description. I can't keep up with the yardwork like I used to. I can't keep up with the housework like I used to. I can't keep up with the cooking, the shopping, bills, paperwork. I try. I try hard. I'm failing. At literally everything.

I pray for help, guidance, understanding, etc. I truly believe in the power of prayer. Unfortunately, I'm human and the devil is real and these "negative" thoughts and feeling still creep in and lately I feel like they are controlling me more than I am controlling them.