June 9, 2025

I'd be remiss if I said everything has been sunshine and rainbows since last week.... I've had some internal battles with emotions and depression trying to creep in. I just keep asking God to handle that mess. I have a feeling it's because the drugs have had more of an affect on me since I'd sorta "let my guard down". By that I mean I have not done my due diligence these last couple of weeks. Life has gotten busy and I have NOT been eating properly and burning the candle at both ends (as my dad used to always tell me).

My nephew and his family moved out in April, about the time I was diagnosed, and since then it's been a whirlwind of folks coming and going, us trying to rearrange things in the house, make some upgrades, deal with the normal day-to-day stuff, work full time, oh and we decided to plan a wedding. So, while I have been feeling fine physically, I guess the last couple of weeks my body is trying to remind me that I am still fighting cancer. 

Kick myself in the ass. 

Go to bed on time instead of midnight. 

Get back to eating better, not Dr. Pepper and keep going. 

Replenish the protein shakes and bars. And eat/drink them.

I appear well. I behave like I am well. I feel well. I am not. My body is kicking ass inside. 

The tumor is getting harder and harder to find. PRAISE BE TO GOD! None other than Him can I thank for healing and progress!!!

I had treatment today and I was running late. Anyone that knows me knows late is not in my vocabulary, however it happened. I was in full blown anxiety. Little aggressive driving, fussing at the other drivers from inside my truck... So, as I'm almost to the facility, there was a jeep in front of me. He was driving slow, and swerving in the lane. I'm late. I'm being impatient. Once I had the opportunity, I passed him (legally). As I pull in to the treatment facility and am getting my stuff out, he pulls in. I'm thinking he's gonna have something smart to say but I mind my business and all but run into the facility. He and his wife (I assume) end up on the elevator with me. Nothing said. We get off the elevator, and since they were closer to the door, they were first off. The lady looked at me and told me I could go ahead of them. I was pretty rude. I just went ahead. I never said thanks or acknowledged them. That's not me. I've felt bad ever since. I should have at least looked up to see what they looked like so I could have apologized. I hope they know it wasn't them, it was me. I was bitchy, rude and my behavior was unacceptable. I guess this is my confession. 

I'm not perfect. 

No one is. 

I have had encounters with people that behaved in the same manner towards me and I've said a prayer for them that whatever was going on, their day or situation improve. Hope they were able to put my behavior aside and do the same for me. 

Once in the treatment chair, I sat there for a moment, closed my eyes and asked God to change my mood. 

Treatment itself went fine, as it does. Still have no issues with that. The only difference this week was that I did not get the numbing cream put on my port before I got to the facility so I had a little more pain than normal when Sarah plugged me in. No one to blame but myself. And with my previous behavior, I deserved the extra pain. 

Hoping for a good rest of the week. 

Ephesians 4:32: Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.