August 22, 2025 - Feelings of a Chemo Patient

 This post isn't an update on any office visits or med changes, but an outlet for Kira basically. I'd keep it all to myself and write elsewhere, but I said from the beginning I'd be as open and honest here as possible. It doesn't get much more honest and raw than this.

I can't "talk" to anyone about how I feel because my emotions get in the way, thoughts get discombobulated, words get messed up, tears run from my eyes, and then I get expressions of "oh here we go, she's crying again". Stupid chemo drugs took away my ability to hold in emotions. 

I have struggled off and on, more off than on honestly, with feeling inadequate, useless, ugly, etc. I turned to God during those times even more than normal as I knew it was the devil implanting those feelings. 

Lately tho, people have been telling me about me having "chemo brain" and in examples given and  actions by others, I have really started feeling worthless. I feel like folks don't understand and/or don't really care what I'm dealing with and have started relying on me less, making me feel useless. I honestly feel useless, inadequate, not needed or wanted around. I think at one point, in the beginning, people cared. I feel like people are "over it" at this point. Tired of hearing about it. Hell, I'm tired of dealing with it.

People have less and less conversations with me. I find myself having more regular conversations with the dogs, chickens and goats. 

I feel lonely. I feel stupid. I feel incapable. At the same time, I feel angry. Like, what did I do that was so horrible in my past life that I have to go thru cancer. Was I really such a terrible person in the past? Was this an attempt to just take me off this planet and should I have not bothered fighting? Enter the thoughts of - wouldn't people just be better off if I wasn't here, stressing them out with my medical crap, me taking comments the wrong way, overthinking everything, just being a bother. That's how I feel. I am a bother. An inconvenience. In the way. I have even started second and sometimes third guessing every action, replaying every action and every conversation in my head... Did I do or say the right thing or did I do or say something wrong.... 

I don't want to be treated with kid gloves, but I don't wanna be "barked" at or made to feel like everything that's wrong is my fault and I'm just stupid. 

I don't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. Not really look at myself. I might be looking in the mirror as I apply eye brows or fix my wig, but not really looking at myself. I don't like the reflection.  Not at all. It kinda resembles a rejected Troll doll. 

I'm not really eating, just crap food here n there. I get hungry but have no appetite for anything. I guess my cooking has started to reflect that as Nathan has been taking over more of the cooking lately. Again, I'm useless. 

I'm tired. Tired of dealing with medical crap. Tired of bills needing to be paid. Tired from not sleeping thru the night. Tired of adulting. 

The shitty part, I still have another year of dealing with this crap. Surgery in October, followed by 6-8 weeks of recovery. Then we'll see if we need more treatments. Then, depending on potential treatments, could be 3-6 months before reconstruction. Then another 6-8 weeks of healing.

I miss being happy, laughing, being able to enjoy things, even little things like the smell of coffee. I want to be able to smile a real smile, not a forced one. I want to feel like myself again, not this tired, heavy, ugly, sad version of myself. 

I can hear my mother's voice saying "This too shall pass" and I wanna believe it. Really I do. Right now, I just don't know.